Take It Back

How I stopped waiting for permission to live and began reclaiming my power

Photo by Yukie Emiko on Unsplash

I used to wait for permission to live my own life.

After leaving an abusive relationship, I still saw myself as the victim. A person trapped in old patterns, waiting for someone to tell me what I could do or who I could be. It took time, and a lot of honest reflection, to ask the harder question: Why did I allow it?

The answer didn’t come all at once, but the moment I saw a book titled Take Your Power Back, something shifted. I realized I had handed over my power, and it was up to me to take it back. No one else could do it for me.

There are many reasons why a person might give their power away. Most of the time it is a subconscious act related to trauma, people pleasing, and self-worth. It is essential to define these reasons to avoid repeating them, but typically, only personal reflection and work with a therapist will reveal why you allowed it to happen.

Take it back

Notice I’m not saying “give it back” or “I want it back”. No, the phrase “Take it back” is powerful in and of itself. We all want to feel powerful, strong, and capable. But, it is impossible to feel this way when you are giving your power away.

What does it mean to give your power away?

Giving your power away means allowing someone else to call all the shots in your life, using your money or talent for their own gain, and/or constantly putting another’s needs before your own. Basically, you make yourself small so that others can be as big as they need to be.

Imagine yourself on all fours with this person who wants your power standing on your back. They are the ones who are small, but they use your kindness, compassion, and empathy against you. Your light no longer shines because it is focused on making them shine brighter.

For example…

After my divorce, I had a short-term boyfriend. There was a movie I wanted to see, so I asked him if he’d take me, and he said he’d love to.

So, I waited. And waited. I reminded him. And he said it would be soon. Then the movie left theaters.

I remember feeling extremely disappointed, borderline angry, until it dawned on me that no one stopped me from going to the movie. If I wanted to see it, I could have just gotten in the car and gone.

After abuse, we often have something professionals refer to as “learned helplessness”. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t helpless and could take myself to the movies because I had been groomed to believe otherwise.

The movie is a small example of giving your power away. When many small examples are heaped together, it leads to a very small person.

Getting started

As you can see, no longer being in a toxic marriage didn’t magically make me stop giving away my power. Taking your power back takes self-awareness, determination, and courage.

Lalah Delia, the author of Vibrate Higher Daily, reminds us in her book that “Self-care is how you take your power back”. It sounds cliche, but it’s not.

Self-care isn’t something we do just to feel pampered. Self-care is empowerment. It is about being clear about what it takes for us to be our best selves and live our best lives.

There are things in your life that are non-negotiables. Things that allow you to thrive, and they are unique to you as an individual. For example, if you are an introvert, you have to have your alone time in order to recharge.

However, there are certain fundamental actions that all humans need to thrive, and I started with three of these that made me feel powerful, strong, and capable.

My top three suggestions

1. Set boundaries

People giving their power away have no notion of what it means to set a boundary. If you’re like me, setting a boundary with someone was filled with fear of losing the friendship, not being liked, or hurting someone’s feelings.

Setting boundaries will look different for different people. For me, it was saying no to things I didn’t want to do. I was so invested in what other people wanted, I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.

Setting boundaries meant not running myself ragged trying to keep everyone happy or feeling guilty when I did something just for me.

2. Speak to yourself with kindness

Learning to tame the voice in my head was monumental.

When we are spoken to harshly and criticized most of our lives, that voice stays with us even when the people are gone.

When the voice in your head is critical, harsh, and unkind, very firmly tell it that no one talks to you that way anymore. You deserve better, but you have to make that choice.

It will take practice, but by affirming yourself daily, the critical voice will eventually fade.

3) Listen to your body

The body knows and keeps score. You could be completely stressed out yet completely unaware because you are out of tune with your body. Even so, your body will eventually manifest the effects of stress. To avoid this, it is important to learn to listen and pay attention to your body’s signals.

Listening to my body was a foreign concept. As a person who gave their power away, I had no authority to listen to my body.

If I was tired and wanted to rest, I feared that my ex would be angry because I wasn’t busy. If I was busy, I feared he would be angry because I couldn’t sit still. Everything was to keep him happy and our home peaceful.

Listening to your body means being mindfully aware of how you usually feel and when things feel different. It means to slow down and pay attention.

Concluding thoughts

While taking your power back may seem like a one-time decision, it’s not. It’s a daily practice.

It begins with noticing where and why you shrink yourself. It grows with boundaries, kindness, and a willingness to listen to what your body and spirit are trying to say.

If you’ve been giving your power away, ask yourself why. Once you know, you can start practicing living life on your terms.

Your well-being depends on it.