Dating After Gray Divorce
Important considerations before entering the precarious world of over 50 dating
Photo Credit: divorceover50.com
After a gray divorce, it’s hard to be alone. It’s hard to sleep alone, wake up alone, and basically, do life alone. For some, it’s not as hard, but the majority of women who have been married 20+ years would like to believe they can get it right the second time around. They are anxious to find a healthy, fun, exciting relationship with a significant other that will meet needs that were ignored in their first marriage. They need to believe that they are loved and not alone.
Believe it or not, all of the previous titles in this series address subjects that affect the quality of your dating life. Let’s take a look.
Finances
Money, like emotions, is something you must control to keep your life on the right track.” ― Natasha Munson
We established in Finances and the Gray Divorce that “women experienced a 45% decline in their standard of living, whereas men’s dropped by just 21%. These declines…only reversed for women following repartnering” (National Library of Medicine). The problem is that very few women choose to remarry.
Before you judge these women too harshly, remember that 50% of the women who were involved in a gray divorce were emotionally abused. I know firsthand that living together, marrying, or forging some other financial alliance in which you depend on the other person for your ability to survive is a scary prospect.
In addition, the women that I know who have survived gray divorce — myself included — are working tirelessly and creatively to rebuild our monetary worth. For me, it is more than security, it’s about what I will leave my children. I feel like Scarlett in Gone With the Wind when she said, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.” I will not give my power to someone else allowing them to humiliate me into helplessness because they can decide my financial worth.
Let me give you an example. Another friend of mine is in the middle of a gray divorce right now. It is her second marriage, and while she didn’t have a lot of cash to bring into the marriage, she had some. She had been a stay-at-home mom like many of us in my circle. Trust me when I say 25 years of homeschooling doesn’t do much for the resume. After she married, she helped him with various entrepreneurial ventures in which she put up some cash and worked many long hours.
Eventually, they were able to buy a very nice property for themselves. One day, he walks in and casually comments that he has been meeting with a lawyer to have her name removed from the deed, but he adds matter-of-factly, “I’ll need you to sign these papers.” I don’t think I need to explain her shock. He reasoned that he only wanted his children to receive the inheritance and since she was so poorly funded when they married, he felt that was fair.
For whatever reason, many of the men in our circles equate our worth with the money we make or bring to the table, not the actual hours of labor we pour into their dreams. Many of us just don’t want to deal with that ever again. We also are not interested in becoming the maid, cook, or chauffeur for someone else We are looking for a genuine partnership.
Now, why have I told you all this?
I think it is prudent to be careful when you are re-entering the dating world to beware of lies, scams, and outright lies. You should also take steps to protect your assets by making sure that your bank accounts and credit cards are only in your name.
If you decide to move in together, be careful about names on titles and leases. If you decide to marry, check into a prenuptial agreement. You can be safe, have security, and still be in a relationship. However, he needs to respect these boundaries and not guilt you with the “Oh, you don’t trust me” nonsense.
Depression
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss
In The Gray Divorce Blues, we learned that it is important to start getting out again, but if you’re depressed, you probably won’t be the best company. It’s also a surefire way to get caught up in another abusive relationship. Take the time you need with therapists, and grief counselors, and work on yourself.
Determine what it was about you that allowed the abuse to continue for so long. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being a healthy person. Take this time for yourself and reap the rewards of a healthy you and a healthy relationship in the future.
Self-Worth
“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.”― Malcolm X
The article, Gray Divorce and Rebuilding Self-Worth explores the need for accepting ourselves as we are. It’s cliche, but learning to love yourself is very important.
After an abusive relationship, many women do not believe that anyone could ever be attracted to them again. I remember reading an online dating bio of an attractive man whose first words were, “I know what I bring to the table…”. Well, I wasn’t sure I had anything to bring to the table. If you feel this way, you shouldn’t be dating. Know your worth before you start dating again.
Physical Health
“If you are pining for youth I think it produces a stereotypical old man [woman] because you only live in memory, you live in a place that doesn’t exist. Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” David Bowie
Gray divorce has challenges that the youngsters don’t have to worry about. Gray Divorce and Physical Health discuss the insecurities that arise when our health starts to fail. We may have health issues, serious or annoying. We have to watch our diets. Our bodies have drooped, and some of us haven’t had sex in years.
If you’re going to date, date someone who has the same standards for their health as you do. It’s not fun to go to a restaurant trying to make healthy choices only to be teased by your date for not living large. You get to choose how you want to feel, not someone else. Take this seriously. It’s not just about appearance.
Connection
“You have to make a space in your heart, in your mind, and in your life itself for authentic human connection.” — Marianne Williamson
Connection with other humans is very powerful and necessary for mental and physical health as seen in Gray Divorce and the Power of Human Connection. However, I have seen too many women who have worked hard on building new friendships and staving off loneliness get married and never go out again.
Be aware of who you are dating. Are they an introvert or an extrovert? Are they concerned about balance? Do they understand the power of connection and work at cultivating and keeping strong relationships with friends and families? Even after a second marriage, connection with other humans besides your spouse is important.
Adult Children
“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.”― H. Raven Rose, Shadow Selves
We learned in Adult Children and the Gray Divorce that our adult children often still see us in a parental role, and there is a high probability that your gray divorce was very painful for them.
Telling the family that you are dating again is no easy task. It is quite possible they still think of you as only their parent rather than a person with needs and desires which extend beyond parenting.
Be honest and maintain an open dialogue with your children. Accept that they have valid concerns about your well-being and the problems that could potentially arise when entering the world of dating.
And while this should go without mentioning, don’t expect your adult children and his to get along. This wasn’t their idea in the first place. Accept that having a new man in your life is going to be a little different and make adjustments. Don’t force it.
Concluding thoughts
Dating is complicated before divorce, and I have heard more than one person say they want to get married so they can stop dating. I want you to remember as you take the time to reflect and work on yourself, that you do not have to be in a relationship. Maybe it will be for you, maybe it won’t. Make yourself happy and whole, and then see what happens.